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 An In-Depth Review of Leon's Destiny, by Critic ~Sir Kirroha

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~Sire Kirroha
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PostSubject: An In-Depth Review of Leon's Destiny, by Critic ~Sir Kirroha   Wed Oct 19, 2011 9:56 pm

After reading the amazing fictional manifesto that is named Leon's Destiny, I have decided to extrapolate the details of this literary masterpiece and analyze them on a microscopic level. I believe this wonderful piece of work deserves at least this much!

For all you newcomers who have never seen this piece of literature, shame on you! Here it is: http://fantasiagames.bestfreeforum.us/t612-leons-destiny-a-fanfiction

First Chapter - After the Realm of Thanos

"she said menacing"
A clear depiction of Melodia's attitude towards Flora. The word brings forth what other words would not have. Accurate choice of vocabulary. +10
Also, the fact that Leon is apparently a prince. And engaged to Melodia. It is perfectly normal.

"melodia blackheart"
Evil people are given surnames that show this fact clearly, and Lady Belle grapsed on quickly. Wonderous job for such a young writer. +10

"begone melodia before i explode you"
Nothing conveys Leon's dissatisfaction as much as this statement does. Crisp, clear, and to the point. +10

""just be here forever and ever' breathed leon"
Amazing buildup. The entire chapter has been foreshadowing this very event. +10

Total: 40.

Second Chapter - Flora's Destiny

"floar"
Amazing use of punning here! I am really in awe at how you managed to find a mid-line between the word "Flora" and the word "Floor", showing that all along, she has been nothing but a maid, but also that this fact will soon change. +20

"sometimes melodia look evil at her"
Like above, accurate depiction of Melodia's attitude with the specific word "evil" in a crisp and accurate grammatical context. +10

"she say with menacing"
As Ana has said, extremely innovative and unique approach to the usage of gerunds. +10

Flora is apparently, all of a sudden, Leon's "girlfirned".
This sudden change in situation makes an exciting and particularly sharp and contrasting twist that will keep the reader on edge. Nice job! +10

"unlike flora who actually wants to marry leon because of real."
Wonderful contrast between Melodia and Flora, using simple words that are to the point - how Melodia is "princess", and Flora is "real". +10

"lets get married flora" breatehd Leon"
Just like the previous chapter, amazing buildup all the way to this point. +10

Total: 70

Third Chapter - Cheryl and Flora and Leon

"swlad like her and he said he will destroy world for her. cheryl shoscked and said no! u must not destroy fantasia and owald say ok. "
Again, crisp, clear and to the point. No dilly-dallying on Oswald and Cheryl's long and boring story. After all, Flora's in the limelight here! +10

Oswald being referred to as "she"?
Wonderous new approach that will cause the reader to open their eyes wide and notice things that they've never seen before. Like Oswald looking "like gothic". +10

"leon slapped her becuz she not polite. everyone must be polite so that is not good manner."
Nice, refreshing change in attitude to a moral Aesop. Intelligent way of teaching kids to "have manner". +10

"leon and flora go upstairs. then they watch tv becauz melodia has been good girl"
Wonderful way to show both modernization, as well as the interesting concept of responsibility and how it works. +10

"read story about gil with crimsoneyes"
Innovative pun on "girl" and "Gil". +10

"they didnt do anything naughty becase they were pure and good"
Good way to teach people to abstain from mahjong before marriage! +10

Total: 60

Fourth Chapter - Next Chapter

"ora wake up the next morning becuz the alarm bell ring with sound"
Of course, because alarm bells can totally ring without sound. I admire how Lady Belle was able to immediately avoid any ambiguous situations where alarm clocks might not have rung with sound. + 20

"it was august already"
Thank you, Belle, for changing the Fantasia months into Earth months. I won't ask how that even works. +10

"melodia is sleep drugging him and is going to do things to him!"
As compared to the lovely Flora, Melodia however is not above Mahjong before marriage. Thus, painting her in a much worse light in contrast to the brave and beautiful Flora. +10

""Nell spell Requim of the Abyss!!!" she shout and the magic blow Meloen away"
Sorry, I have no words for this. Accept my points in gratitude. + 30.

Total: 70

Fifth Chapter - Chapter 22 (?)

"leon pull flora out and they go talk abt impt stuff. "
Extremely vivid description of this highly important scene, where Flora will find out about herself. +10

"he whisper in extreme softness"
Leon's extreme softness makes the situation a lot more intense. +10

""becuz u use the nell requim of abyss spell" he say serious looking... his eyes look at her pink eyes and sparkle with blueness. pink meets blue. everything dark and opposite. "
I... have no words for this. Again, accept these points of amazement. +30.

""i am muggle born and raised in an orphanage becuz my parents were killed at young age"
Interesting way of looking at this situation through the kaleidoscope of different situations. For example, Harry Potter. +10

"we must talk to my best friendn odwald. he knows aboutimmortals becuz he is also immortal""
Breathlessly beautiful character development of Oswald and Leon, from how they have grown from being enemies into best friends. Kudos! + 20

"she said with sad everywhere"
Beautiful, intense way of showing her overflowing emotions, that are described to be so intense that they are even overflowing everywhere. +10

Total: 90

Grand Total of Chapters 1-22... I mean, 5: 330!


Stay tuned for more reviews by The Critic!

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Last edited by ~Sir Kirroha on Thu Oct 20, 2011 6:43 pm; edited 5 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: An In-Depth Review of Leon's Destiny, by Critic ~Sir Kirroha   Wed Oct 19, 2011 10:03 pm

/Me bows to Kirro.

Gosh why did you married Azure instead of me... You're awesome. But you also should add that it is a fact that every prince will ask a girl he never saw to became a maid in his castle because he loves her.

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PostSubject: Re: An In-Depth Review of Leon's Destiny, by Critic ~Sir Kirroha   Wed Oct 19, 2011 10:06 pm

Oh come on Kirro! We know that the score is...

OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAND!

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PostSubject: Re: An In-Depth Review of Leon's Destiny, by Critic ~Sir Kirroha   Wed Oct 19, 2011 10:08 pm

Thank you, thank you!

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PostSubject: Re: An In-Depth Review of Leon's Destiny, by Critic ~Sir Kirroha   Wed Oct 19, 2011 10:22 pm

u like my story i m very happy... b what is the full mark??? did i get full mark

and the fifth chapter name is who is flora... not chapter 22...

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PostSubject: Re: An In-Depth Review of Leon's Destiny, by Critic ~Sir Kirroha   Wed Oct 19, 2011 11:01 pm

This made me laugh so hard. Thank you for making my day.

EDIT: How did you miss "she said with sad everywhere"? It's the climax of the latest chapter.
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PostSubject: Re: An In-Depth Review of Leon's Destiny, by Critic ~Sir Kirroha   Thu Oct 20, 2011 6:27 pm

Ana wrote:
This made me laugh so hard. Thank you for making my day.

EDIT: How did you miss "she said with sad everywhere"? It's the climax of the latest chapter.

Gosh, Miss Ana, you're absolutely right! To think that I would miss such a shimmering piece of gold... How shameful I must be!

Edited to the first post.

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PostSubject: Re: An In-Depth Review of Leon's Destiny, by Critic ~Sir Kirroha   Fri Oct 28, 2011 10:13 pm

Sixth Chapter - Quest to Find Truth

the cave dark and gloomy and flora ver scared, her brown hair in the wind flip around a lot.
Absolutely amazing foreshadowing here. You did an amazing job showing her hair color change from black to brown, which foreshadows the fact that there is something not so normal with Flora, since she's special. +100

suddenly have fire in the cave. flora hair look red because fire relfect in the hair and leon hair look purple
The depiction of colours here is simply mind-blowing. +100

... Oh screw this. Belle-Destinee, you get over 9000 points. I am too lowly to critique your masterpiece. Bye.


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